Another day like Yesterday

I haven't been able to talk to many people about what is going on. I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't want fake sympathy. I can't deal with it.

The people I have talked to keep saying the same thing: Don't worry, live your life. I don't think anyone realizes what my life has been like. There is so much I should be concerned about doing. Every time I cough or sneeze I wonder if my CSF jumped. Every time I bend to put my shoes on or to leash up the pups, I wonder if this type of bending is too much. When I stumble a little I have to wonder if I'm clumsy and tripped, or if it is a new and worsening symptom affecting my gait. Or if I drop something, is it a sign of muscle weakness? How can I not worry when randomly throughout the day my limbs go numb? It's a constant reminder of what is wrong. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a cute kid, I see the potential of never having those things in my life. I see people running on campus, and think about how I can't join them. As I pack things to move, I think about how I won't be able to help load the truck or rearrange furniture. I can never forget about having SM.

Song for today: Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan

Today is another tough day. I woke up from my random assortment of dreams (panic-filled dreams, followed by dreams of spending time with a good friend). Waking up was hard. I feel safe in bed. I spent a little time talking to that same friend from my dream. They know more about me than anyone else and are the only person I've been able to express all my true emotions to regarding all of this. I wasn't hungry, but forced myself to find some lunch. I just really want to go to work. There is always so much going on that it helps to distract me. Even then, I still can't move the chairs or help readjust a patient in bed. I don't know what I will do if I don't find a job for after graduation. I will be sitting around just like I am now. That won't help anything.

Let's try the being positive thing... Three things that make me happy: 1) I was able to open the pickle jar... yay for muscles working. 2) My rice buddy from Irene, it helps with my neck pain and helps me fall asleep every night. 3) Packing to get out of this city. I just want to be close to home. This isn't my home. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in GB...