What happened to Miss Independent?

These past two days I've found out some things about myself:

As my massage was beginning Mary went to move my hair out of the way. I lifted my head to help her and she yelled at me! "What are you doing? You don't get to do any of the work! I do all of the work. Nurses always want to help, but this time you don't."

And then when I was lifting chairs at the garage sale, Olivia yelled at me for helping an lifting.

I realized the absolute hardest part of having syringomyelia isn't the chance of not have a perfect delivery or kids, but rather the idea of being dependent. Not being independent. Having to rely on others to help me carry things and do household chores. Maybe someday have them help me walk or move or get dressed. I wanted to become a nurse because I like feeling needed. I love when I can be the one people depend on for survival. When you are sick or injured, I want to be the one you can rely on to get you back on your feet. My whole life revolves around me being the strong one. My friends always come to me for advice when they have problems. My family calls me with medical questions. Patients call me to help them walk for the first time after surgery. I'm supposed to be the dependable one. Not anymore.

Now I sit in the corner and watch. Soon we are moving. Boxes have been piling up for months now. It's going to be so hard not to just grab one and throw it on the truck. I have to sit back and watch others do the work that I was "able" to do a mere month ago. Luckily I have oodles of great family and friends who have offered to help. I want to help. But I can't. Even at work, it is starting to get to a point where I'm going to have to say, 'No I can't boost that patient. No I can't help them up.' I don't practice nursing cuz I went to school for it and need a job. I do it because I love it. I pray that I can find a good nursing job that will allow me to be a dependable person that just doesn't have to lift. I don't even know how I will cope if it gets to the point where I can't walk or even go to the bathroom on my own...

I want my old carefree life back. :'(