Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Cameron Miles!!!! My cousins Jess and Rob had their baby today! 8:07am. 17.5 inches. 6lbs 0oz. He is such a little peanut! He is the baby who saved me back in October.

I was so excited when I woke up and saw a text from Jess saying she was in the hospital! I started texting everyone under the sun! I got a text from Tricia saying he was born just after 8am. I was just getting out of the shower.... and then I started bawling.

Even though she had a c-section, she still got to see her baby right away. She got to hear the first cry. I would never get that. No matter how many kids I have, I would never get to experience that.

I went over to Olivia's so she could style my hair pretty... she asked me my take on pain meds during labor. I told her I don't have a choice. I told her I don't think I want kids. She told me I'd be a great mom and she hopes I change my mind. I don't know about anything anymore. I can't stop crying. Why would I have kids if I can't do anything with them? If I can't do anything? I hate life so much. And I shouldn't. It's such a happy day for everyone. Why am I like this? I can't do this. I can't do anything.

I'm going to go fake my way through work for 16 of the next 24 hours....some how.