181 days

Ugh why am I so freaking emotional right now? I'm crying just thinking about writing this entry. It isn't even cry-worthy.

For starters: I love my grandma. I had such a nice time with her today. I'm so happy for her small accomplishments, like eating applesauce and strawberries or saying something a little raunchy. :) I feel so overwhelmed with love when I'm with her, just helping her make it through this difficult journey. Love love love her. I'm going to miss her so much.

The other night when I was posting I was meaning to talk about what I was doing that night. I did lots of research on my neurosurgeon and found nothing but glowing reviews. Everyone who has met with him says he is a godsend. I also read some of his publications. I'm looking forward to meeting him so much.

Yesterday morning I walked the Bellin 10k with mom, Josh and Kelly. (And today I'm sorer than sin.) Then I went to Mabie's bridal shower, followed by my aunt and uncle's party. At the party I was submersed with little kids... I have a chuck of skin missing from the back of my heel thanks to a tricycle... I got to hold Baby Cameron, dance with Miss Miah and Cadence, and attempt to protect myself from Kiersten's crazy antics. Adam's band played. It was family, friends and fun.

And today I woke up feeling different. I never thought I'd be saying this right now, or at least before July 7th: I want a baby. It struck me again, more than it ever had in the past. Right now I could care less if pregnancy destroyed my spinal cord, or I can't carry my own child, or can't pick them up and dance with them, or can't pack a stroller into the car. I don't care about any of that. I just want to be a mom. I don't even care if I didn't wait to see the neurosurgeon first.

I don't know if it is a combination of grandma's ordeal, or holding my angel baby Cameron, or family functions, or bridal showers, or the connection Josh and I found over the weekend, or I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I know what I want.