11 days

Just got back from the funeral. Held it together until little 3 year old Cora said "I want to see Grandma!" :(

June 23, 2010

Today is not how I imagined it to be. I always have dreaded losing a grandparent, for I have been blessed with the four best grandparents anyone could ask for. I've anticipating this time for years: when Grandma had breast cancer, when Grandpa was in the hospital three years ago, when Grandpa was seizing from low blood sugar. So many of these events scared me. I've seen death so many times in the past, each one more horrible than the last. And I always anticipated the loss of one of my beloved grandparents would cause the Earth to shatter and crumble and I would go into a depressive coma and never wake up.

So let me summarize today:

I was scheduled to be with Grandma from 9-2. I get there at 9am and Hope, an LPN, was there. We told various stories about animals, cherries and houses. We washed Grandma up with super good smelling soap, brushed her hair and put on a fresh nightgown. She looked gorgeous. As Hope and I sat and talked Grandma made some efforts to talk. Hope told her to keep talking to those angels, and she did. She kept trying for a bit. Hope encouraged us to have Grandpa call her from the nursing home and tell her that it was okay to go, since he was unable to come and see her in these last troublesome weeks. And before Hope left, she whispered in her ear telling her that if she passed before Hope returned in the afternoon to have a safe journey, and other things I couldn't make out. For a small while I read to my grandma from "Girl with a Pearl Earring". I figured she would enjoy the story since the painting proudly hangs on the wall in her living room. Her respirations had been 1-7 breaths per minute since yesterday. And today they usually had 55 seconds of apnea in between. But she kept hanging on. At 11am a priest who has an impossible to spell last name came by. He was the same priest that officiated the majority of our family's funerals. He read her the last rites. As we said the "Our Father" prayer she was vocalizing in her own way. Come noon, we received the call from Grandpa. As the phone was held to her ear he told her that he loved her and that it was okay to go. Moments later he called back and was very upset and wanted to talk to everyone in the house. He was crying uncontrollably. Around 1pm my uncle needed to leave the nursing home, so I offered to go sit with Grandpa. Before I left I gave Grandma a big hug and kiss and told her that I would give Grandpa a big hug and kiss from her. She tried to lift her arms up to hug me back, and I told her I knew she was trying. And then I left Grandma's house for the last time.

At the nursing home, Grandpa told me he was trying to rest but couldn't stop crying enough to sleep. He started to cry. I knelt by his bed and hugged him. And I cried with him, for the first time since this whole thing started I broke. He talked about how she was the best woman ever and he was so lucky to have found her and to have been with her for so long. And then we both settled down a bit. We were able to talk about my new duplex and various other real estate. And occasionally he would ask about Grandma but there were no more tears. He asked about her last rites and who was there. He asked if he should've gone to see her. I told him no. He said all of the boys told him 'no' too and that she didn't look well. I told him it was the contrary. We washed her up and she looked gorgeous today, but that she wasn't able to respond to anything and that would be hard for him to face. After more talking and lots of hugs and kisses, I left him so he could nap.

I was visiting baby Cameron when I got the call from my dad that she had passed. Roughly four hours after the call from Grandpa. It's so amazing how people can hang on until they get all their ducks in a row, and she was just waiting for him to call. She died at home and surrounded by family, exactly as she had wished.

Before writing this I haven't really cried. I took care of her and watched her slowly fade each day. I will cherish all the time I got to spend with her these past weeks: eating strawberries, her little jokes, visiting with family, reliving memories, learning about her childhood. I just pent it all in. I don't cry for her. She is at peace now and with her brother and son. Mostly I cry for my grandpa who was so devoted to her.

People keep asking if I'm okay. I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm glad, but it's still never easy. Andrew called me up instantly when he had heard to see how I was doing. I haven't seen him since I've been back in town but he knows me. He helped me through Bill's funeral and he knows all about my poor coping mechanisms. Him calling me was the most thoughtful gesture anyone could give.

Tonight I went to my cousin's and drank. We all needed a drink, it's been so rough for so long. I played with little cousins, and cuddled 10 wk old Alex for a very long time. And we lit fireworks. And now I write. I write so I don't ever forget what an inspirational and spiritual day it was. It was her time. The Earth didn't shatter, but the sun stopped shining.

I will always love you Grandma.

15 days

I feel so disconnected from life.

I poke around on wedding forums and feel disgusted. What... your biggest problem in life is that the table cloths don't match the dresses?! People are dumb sometimes.

I just feel like I can't relate to the minor details of life anymore. Go big or go home is all I can conceptualize.

On a side note, I can't wait for my architecture software! :)

Biggest Pet Peeve

I have 2 big pet peeves....

1) People borrowing my clothes.

It's just weird to me. I can borrow others' clothes but I get weired out when they borrow mine. Maybe I should've had a little sister and then I would be okay with this.

2)When my nursing career is ignored/questioned. Just tonight I had someone say that "everyone" wants me to go on and become a physician assistant or doctor because I'm so smart. I flat out said that I would never do that. Or then people call me Dr. Laurie. BARF!!!!!! Is it sad that I take offense to that?

I became a nurse to take care of people. Not play with medicine, diseases, or contraptions. Doctors cure diseases, nurses cure people. I enjoy spending time with my patients, not just going on rounds like others do. I enjoy helping them achieve milestones in their recovery. I enjoy deep conversations and getting to know their families. I like being the first person who notices a change in patient condition... that is what saves lives. I enjoy developing a personal relationship with them, and if that means cleaning a bed pan or two so be it! Sure I could make a good doctor and be behind the scenes, but wouldn't you rather have an intelligent nurse by your side night and day????

*steps off the soap box and winks at Dean May*

I shall wind down tonight with the following:

Things I Learned Today While Grandma Sitting

1) You can't study for a big exam (aka- state boards) while counting breaths per minute.

2) People's true character becomes inherently apparent; not even death can soothe sibling rivalry.

3) Even dying grandmothers can have their mind in the gutter.

4) Jingle bells make great bed alarms.

5) Giving grandma a back massage is just as good as receiving one. :)

Night blogland.

For hardly the last time: F THIS

I thought bad things happened in threes? Not 500s.

Uncle got results bad today... cancer spread as we assumed. It started with a frequent cough, which led to the discovery of stomach/esophagus cancer that was super big. Which led to investigation of lymph nodes and other organs near by. Which led to cancer in lymph nodes and the liver. Stomach/esophagus is impossible enough to recover from... now throw in the liver. His wife died from liver cancer. That was 9 years ago. He knows what to expect. He has seen it all before. We all have.

I also didn't realize until last night that my dad still isn't doing well still. I thought his medications had things under control. My mom was saying they aren't able to wean his meds without symptoms coming back. Also, she noticed that he has trouble walking, where he almost trips. And his vision is jumping all over the board. Today he got in a biking accident. He needs to have surgery. Seriously. Fuck this.

How do I study? How do I sit still enough to apply for jobs? The only time I am still is when I sleep half the day away to avoid being awake. And when I'm awake I'm usually comforting my dying grandmother. Or visiting my sick and depressed grandpa. Or researching my own incurable disease. I could just scream.

I find solace in my dogs because they never ask questions, never judge. Plus they are all I have to get me through the day...

179

Why doesn't anything ever go right? Today I found out that my uncle has cancer. A bad cancer. One that most likely spread to many of his vital organs. One that can't be treated successfully. I go from being in shock, to crying hysterically. Nova's tongue is just big enough to catch all of my tears.

Confessions of my life:

1) Pickles eaten from Aunt Pat's pickle container are my comfort food even though I cry when I go get them. I eat many of them numerous times a day. Currently, they are most likely the source of 50% of my daily caloric intake.

2) No living thing loves me more than my puppy. She is always there for me. Especially when I'm having a bad day, like I am now, she follows me everywhere. And when I am stationary she parks by my feet... even when I sit on the toilet, she is loyally right between the toilet and the wall.

3) I watch too much Criminal Minds. I'm developing a complex or paranoia that everyone I see has the potential to be a serial killer. Or even when no one is around... they are watching me and plotting when to cut the power/knock on the door/etc. I can't wait for the next season to come in the mail tomorrow!

4) I have dysfunctional coping mechanisms. I believe this makes me ill-equip to do anything successful in life.

5) Most days, I figure I'd be better off being with her.

Time to go into another Netflix coma.

F it.

...I just want to be normal...

181 days

Ugh why am I so freaking emotional right now? I'm crying just thinking about writing this entry. It isn't even cry-worthy.

For starters: I love my grandma. I had such a nice time with her today. I'm so happy for her small accomplishments, like eating applesauce and strawberries or saying something a little raunchy. :) I feel so overwhelmed with love when I'm with her, just helping her make it through this difficult journey. Love love love her. I'm going to miss her so much.

The other night when I was posting I was meaning to talk about what I was doing that night. I did lots of research on my neurosurgeon and found nothing but glowing reviews. Everyone who has met with him says he is a godsend. I also read some of his publications. I'm looking forward to meeting him so much.

Yesterday morning I walked the Bellin 10k with mom, Josh and Kelly. (And today I'm sorer than sin.) Then I went to Mabie's bridal shower, followed by my aunt and uncle's party. At the party I was submersed with little kids... I have a chuck of skin missing from the back of my heel thanks to a tricycle... I got to hold Baby Cameron, dance with Miss Miah and Cadence, and attempt to protect myself from Kiersten's crazy antics. Adam's band played. It was family, friends and fun.

And today I woke up feeling different. I never thought I'd be saying this right now, or at least before July 7th: I want a baby. It struck me again, more than it ever had in the past. Right now I could care less if pregnancy destroyed my spinal cord, or I can't carry my own child, or can't pick them up and dance with them, or can't pack a stroller into the car. I don't care about any of that. I just want to be a mom. I don't even care if I didn't wait to see the neurosurgeon first.

I don't know if it is a combination of grandma's ordeal, or holding my angel baby Cameron, or family functions, or bridal showers, or the connection Josh and I found over the weekend, or I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I know what I want.

6 MONTHS!

So I saw my dear little Alex. He was so freaking cute! He has the most perfectly round little head and looks so much like his daddy. Then I finished up my gift for the bridal shower tomorrow. She will looooooove it! And then off to Grandma's.

She is sooo not doing well. She can't stand, can't sit up, can't converse. She has declined drastically in the last 24 hours. I'm glad I get to be there and spend time with her. Some of her kids are uncomfortable with being there when she dies, so I'm more than happy to step in. It's hard when she doesn't eat, or when she is so restless and can't get comfortable, but when she sleeps and is at peace it's good to know that she will be with Bill and Paul and Sandy soon. I love her so much.

While I was at Grandma's the hospice nurse was holding her steady and me and two others needed to move the heavy marble table. I helped one of them with the marble top.... probably shouldn't have. My back has been hurting since. :( Anything for Grandma though, as long as she is safe.

Tomorrow will be a busy but very rewarding day I think. I'm really excited.

To wait or Not...

Well I saw one of my babies today. The other one will be tomorrow morning. They get so big so fast. :( But soon they will be more fun to play with. :)

Also, went to go visit grandpa today. He is doing soooo much better. Now that the delirium has cleared he can carry on a conversation and he is walking again. He is getting back to the same grandpa I remember. He is still very thin (compared to his previously portly frame) and is still going a bit slower. But overall much better. He even remembered the wedding.... that really makes me want him there. And this is where I get torn up again.... early wedding for grandpa or hold out hope that he makes it?

Quote of the Night:

After talking about many of the cute good-looking nurses at the nursing home, Grandpa followed it by saying: "There are some bags."

We all died with laughter that he is so critical of the look of his nurses. :)

184 days!

I'm doing better than 50% on my goals for the week! :) I registered for the boards and went to 2 swim classes, and also unpacked quite a few boxes last night. There are still many boxes left, and I need to apply for some more jobs!!! All my other friends are starting to get lucky with interviews, so hopefully I'm next!

Yesterday I made Rice Krispie treats and brought half of them over by Jodi. They were delicious! Jodi and I had such a hilarious time together and there were many instances where we were laughing to tears. I reiterate: I'm glad to be home! Although yesterday was super rough emotionally, I have high hopes for today. I'm going to go have lunch with my mom and hopefully visit both of my babies!

Finally!!!

I finally am able to get exercise!

Yesterday I went to the swim class for people with spinal problems. It was a packed class, as Mondays usually are. It wasn't super intense, but it got me moving which is what counts. During the last 10 minutes a woman named Barb came up to me and recommended I take the deep water class because I'm "young and fit".

So today after a walk around the block with Nikki, I went to the deep water class. It is a weird sensation when you are supposed to be sweating, but you are already in the water.... Anyway, it was such a good work out and I was able to do things that I can't do on land because of my restrictions. They also gave me the double weights because I'm "young and strong" which proved to be a great work out. Who knew there were so many exercises you could do in water that aren't traditional swimming? I may start going all the time. I looooove it!

I also started 'grandma sitting'. Tonight she was doing so well, despite people giving her just days to live. She was able to get up and go to the bathroom without problems, and she was eating really well for me. She had grapes and blueberries, ice cream and a big cookie. We were joking around a lot, and her memory didn't seem to be so bad today. Jim and Ricki and Thalia visited which helped to pass the time. AND!!!!! Grandpa walked today!!! For the first time in 7 weeks he was able to walk with a walker. Now that his delirium is cleared up, he understands the magnitude of grandma's situation and is bound and determined to walk so he can come home and see her.

Goal for tomorrow: Get all my errands done!!!! No more procrastinating.

...

So. Much. Back. Pain.

Whether it is just because or because I've been sick and coughing (coughing = increased CSF = increased syrinxes), I don't know. Needs. To. Go. Away.

No You

I sat with Cadence on my lap as everyone was getting up to leave. She wrapped her legs around me and clung to me. She was waiting for me to stand up with her. I told her "Here go up by Uncle Josh." She said "No. You." And I told her the thing she couldn't understand...that she can't come up by me. Breaks my heart. :(

I hardly slept last night. I realized I went to the dark place. It's where I don't feel worthy of anyone's affection or love, because I don't love myself. How or what could anyone love if I don't love myself. It's why I push people away who love me. It's why we disagree and fight. It is why I put up walls and don't let people in. It's why I'm unhappy. I have no self-esteem. I lack trust in loving relationships, even when there is no reason to.

I was reminded today: relationship with God --> self-esteem --> trust --> love

I need to work on that. I will work on that. It's going to take time, but I believe it can/needs to be done.

Somethings never change

So, big changes. I moved out of the city I have lived in for the last 5 years of my life. It feels so strange, and still very surreal. I keep thinking I'm going to drive back, but for the first time in a long time I don't have to. The next time I go back there it will be the most important day of my young life: July 7th.

But until then, I'm here. In my new duplex which is slowly beginning to feel like home. So far I've seen some member of my family every day which has been nice. Today my mom and I painted the kitchen/dining room. After picking out 'pumpkin spice' I was a bit worried at how it would turn out, but I love it! Pictures to follow I'm sure, once I get all the decorations in place.

My next big tasks are to finish unpacking the remaining boxes and to continue studying for state boards.

I need to keep busy. Last week was really hard. First was all the packing/unpacking and how I couldn't do anything. Luckily I had tons of family around to help. And then comes the little kids I can't lift. I can't pick my goddaughter up to hug her, I have to stay stooped down. I can't lift my little cousin off of the oh-so-dangerous stairs, I have to wait for her dad to come and carry her down. He wanted me to babysit, and then realized I can't lift her in and out of her crib. And Cameron is 7.5lbs. Half way to not being able to be lifted.

My friend wanted me to promise to try and see the positive that can come of this. I didn't make the promise. I said there are no positives.

Goals this week: check out a swim class, unpack all the boxes, register for the boards, apply for 3 jobs