Blog you are obsolete.... I will post a link to my new blog later.

Tomorrow

I disappeared for a while after Grandma's funeral. Got lost in time for a few days and then went up north to the cottage for 5 days. I just got back yesterday.

I feel like I should write about the insane spider drama of last night, or Adam's surprise birthday present, or a fun things I did up north, or the parties I went to tonight. But I just can't.

I'm nervous. Tomorrow is the big day. I meet Dr. I. I find out my future. I'm excited and nervous and anxious and everything all in one.

So nervous I may puke.

11 days

Just got back from the funeral. Held it together until little 3 year old Cora said "I want to see Grandma!" :(

June 23, 2010

Today is not how I imagined it to be. I always have dreaded losing a grandparent, for I have been blessed with the four best grandparents anyone could ask for. I've anticipating this time for years: when Grandma had breast cancer, when Grandpa was in the hospital three years ago, when Grandpa was seizing from low blood sugar. So many of these events scared me. I've seen death so many times in the past, each one more horrible than the last. And I always anticipated the loss of one of my beloved grandparents would cause the Earth to shatter and crumble and I would go into a depressive coma and never wake up.

So let me summarize today:

I was scheduled to be with Grandma from 9-2. I get there at 9am and Hope, an LPN, was there. We told various stories about animals, cherries and houses. We washed Grandma up with super good smelling soap, brushed her hair and put on a fresh nightgown. She looked gorgeous. As Hope and I sat and talked Grandma made some efforts to talk. Hope told her to keep talking to those angels, and she did. She kept trying for a bit. Hope encouraged us to have Grandpa call her from the nursing home and tell her that it was okay to go, since he was unable to come and see her in these last troublesome weeks. And before Hope left, she whispered in her ear telling her that if she passed before Hope returned in the afternoon to have a safe journey, and other things I couldn't make out. For a small while I read to my grandma from "Girl with a Pearl Earring". I figured she would enjoy the story since the painting proudly hangs on the wall in her living room. Her respirations had been 1-7 breaths per minute since yesterday. And today they usually had 55 seconds of apnea in between. But she kept hanging on. At 11am a priest who has an impossible to spell last name came by. He was the same priest that officiated the majority of our family's funerals. He read her the last rites. As we said the "Our Father" prayer she was vocalizing in her own way. Come noon, we received the call from Grandpa. As the phone was held to her ear he told her that he loved her and that it was okay to go. Moments later he called back and was very upset and wanted to talk to everyone in the house. He was crying uncontrollably. Around 1pm my uncle needed to leave the nursing home, so I offered to go sit with Grandpa. Before I left I gave Grandma a big hug and kiss and told her that I would give Grandpa a big hug and kiss from her. She tried to lift her arms up to hug me back, and I told her I knew she was trying. And then I left Grandma's house for the last time.

At the nursing home, Grandpa told me he was trying to rest but couldn't stop crying enough to sleep. He started to cry. I knelt by his bed and hugged him. And I cried with him, for the first time since this whole thing started I broke. He talked about how she was the best woman ever and he was so lucky to have found her and to have been with her for so long. And then we both settled down a bit. We were able to talk about my new duplex and various other real estate. And occasionally he would ask about Grandma but there were no more tears. He asked about her last rites and who was there. He asked if he should've gone to see her. I told him no. He said all of the boys told him 'no' too and that she didn't look well. I told him it was the contrary. We washed her up and she looked gorgeous today, but that she wasn't able to respond to anything and that would be hard for him to face. After more talking and lots of hugs and kisses, I left him so he could nap.

I was visiting baby Cameron when I got the call from my dad that she had passed. Roughly four hours after the call from Grandpa. It's so amazing how people can hang on until they get all their ducks in a row, and she was just waiting for him to call. She died at home and surrounded by family, exactly as she had wished.

Before writing this I haven't really cried. I took care of her and watched her slowly fade each day. I will cherish all the time I got to spend with her these past weeks: eating strawberries, her little jokes, visiting with family, reliving memories, learning about her childhood. I just pent it all in. I don't cry for her. She is at peace now and with her brother and son. Mostly I cry for my grandpa who was so devoted to her.

People keep asking if I'm okay. I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm glad, but it's still never easy. Andrew called me up instantly when he had heard to see how I was doing. I haven't seen him since I've been back in town but he knows me. He helped me through Bill's funeral and he knows all about my poor coping mechanisms. Him calling me was the most thoughtful gesture anyone could give.

Tonight I went to my cousin's and drank. We all needed a drink, it's been so rough for so long. I played with little cousins, and cuddled 10 wk old Alex for a very long time. And we lit fireworks. And now I write. I write so I don't ever forget what an inspirational and spiritual day it was. It was her time. The Earth didn't shatter, but the sun stopped shining.

I will always love you Grandma.

15 days

I feel so disconnected from life.

I poke around on wedding forums and feel disgusted. What... your biggest problem in life is that the table cloths don't match the dresses?! People are dumb sometimes.

I just feel like I can't relate to the minor details of life anymore. Go big or go home is all I can conceptualize.

On a side note, I can't wait for my architecture software! :)

Biggest Pet Peeve

I have 2 big pet peeves....

1) People borrowing my clothes.

It's just weird to me. I can borrow others' clothes but I get weired out when they borrow mine. Maybe I should've had a little sister and then I would be okay with this.

2)When my nursing career is ignored/questioned. Just tonight I had someone say that "everyone" wants me to go on and become a physician assistant or doctor because I'm so smart. I flat out said that I would never do that. Or then people call me Dr. Laurie. BARF!!!!!! Is it sad that I take offense to that?

I became a nurse to take care of people. Not play with medicine, diseases, or contraptions. Doctors cure diseases, nurses cure people. I enjoy spending time with my patients, not just going on rounds like others do. I enjoy helping them achieve milestones in their recovery. I enjoy deep conversations and getting to know their families. I like being the first person who notices a change in patient condition... that is what saves lives. I enjoy developing a personal relationship with them, and if that means cleaning a bed pan or two so be it! Sure I could make a good doctor and be behind the scenes, but wouldn't you rather have an intelligent nurse by your side night and day????

*steps off the soap box and winks at Dean May*

I shall wind down tonight with the following:

Things I Learned Today While Grandma Sitting

1) You can't study for a big exam (aka- state boards) while counting breaths per minute.

2) People's true character becomes inherently apparent; not even death can soothe sibling rivalry.

3) Even dying grandmothers can have their mind in the gutter.

4) Jingle bells make great bed alarms.

5) Giving grandma a back massage is just as good as receiving one. :)

Night blogland.

For hardly the last time: F THIS

I thought bad things happened in threes? Not 500s.

Uncle got results bad today... cancer spread as we assumed. It started with a frequent cough, which led to the discovery of stomach/esophagus cancer that was super big. Which led to investigation of lymph nodes and other organs near by. Which led to cancer in lymph nodes and the liver. Stomach/esophagus is impossible enough to recover from... now throw in the liver. His wife died from liver cancer. That was 9 years ago. He knows what to expect. He has seen it all before. We all have.

I also didn't realize until last night that my dad still isn't doing well still. I thought his medications had things under control. My mom was saying they aren't able to wean his meds without symptoms coming back. Also, she noticed that he has trouble walking, where he almost trips. And his vision is jumping all over the board. Today he got in a biking accident. He needs to have surgery. Seriously. Fuck this.

How do I study? How do I sit still enough to apply for jobs? The only time I am still is when I sleep half the day away to avoid being awake. And when I'm awake I'm usually comforting my dying grandmother. Or visiting my sick and depressed grandpa. Or researching my own incurable disease. I could just scream.

I find solace in my dogs because they never ask questions, never judge. Plus they are all I have to get me through the day...